This exam is just killing me. (As I told her)

What do you think about when you hear the word exam? For now it pretty much feels like “ proving my Self worth ”.It so happens, that in this modern day and age exam tends to prove the worth of a man. If you do well in it, the society seems to deem you as being smart, your parent’s think you are going to make it in life and you earn the respects of your siblings. But then!! Does Exam really prove the smartness of a man? Does it prove that who does well in an exam is going to make it in life and is genuinely a good person? Does it say that a guy who passes can solve a problem better, thinking on his feet?

Well, for now, the RCSC exam sends shivers down my neck. It’s not the idea of failing that scares me but rather the idea that I am going to lose my own confidence. For once in my life, I want to commit myself to something and get a good result at it. It is like a passage way for believing in myself, to know that when I think of something that I will be able to do it. And I really want to do this :) but then, that needs studying.

I have never, never been a good student my whole life .I used to plan my whole timetable on what I was going to study but of course it would always be put off for later. I remember one night when I had my main exams the next day; I wanted to stay up late studying. I decided to do it after dinner. I was eating hurriedly but then I saw some good part going on in a corny movie on TV. So, then I was stuck till 1 am until the whole movie finished. You know how a guy’s mentality works; it’s just how we are screwed. I somehow managed to pass though.

Well that’s that, I have never really worked hard at anything in my life. People say I am a smart guy, maybe that’s why I get average scores, even without trying. I have heard somewhere that you should never tell someone that they are smart; they will think it is so and never really study. May be, in some sort of way they really are, that’s why they are out having fun while the rest are struggling with studying. Who knows what might happen tomorrow?
Well even though the exam is like 15 days away, I can’t really study .I study for may be ten minutes a day. Sometimes I end up being depressed for days thinking I can’t commit to anything. Other days I just try to bring myself up thinking its all good and the results will be great .

I find that it really helps to play sports where your whole mind is focused on the game and you don’t think about anything. Even drinking helps, It relaxes your mind and lets go of everything. Well for now I hope everyone else is having a good time partying and not studying.

Is it really possible to get good results without studying? I have always heard that if u really believe in something, then anything is possible. I am still struggling to bring myself to that mindset. That, I will top the exam without studying. With the royal marriage going on, everyone is outside having fun but no!! not me. I don’t feel like doing anything with the exam anxiety at the back of my mind. I can’t get any peace. For now I just relax at home. There is some kind of satisfaction just staying home even if I don’t study, something I can’t explain.

Here is a list of activities I tried today in disguise of studying…
Got up,had tea ,,took hours to get a breakfast…..my cousin sis came ,, she wanted to sing ,I had software so we tried something ,,came out really bad ,,,,,call from friends who wanted to go out drinking refused everything as I was very serious about studying ,,,messaged someone saying I couldn’t go out because I didn’t feel like it ,she didn’t mind……felt anxious so started baking a cake ,,tried to make it good as my sister made it day before ,,,forgot to put baking powder came out like some sort of tire…..got into bath tub thought for an hour on how I will study and what I will complete ,,got out of shower…felt anxious made dinner for family ,,the baking got me in the mood ,,I never cook…… had dinner …….watched x factor, amazed at the singing ,,went out for a ciggy,,,,,came back ,,thought for 20 minutes y I couldn’t study ,,I think I have add ,,tht attention disease….. took out my notes studied for 5 minutes .. went to my sis gi room and got a movie ….

That was my day.I hate it when my friends say ,,this guy must be studying a lot ,,,I wish I was but then I am trying believing for now ,,believing I will top the exam. So don’t be surprised if u hear my name in the results,,,,or even if I end up not believing and failing ,,;later I ll try and believe that everything will be fine and try to own self respect in my head ……… For now gotta go to bed and plan out my studying time table for tomorrow. 

Up and down…….. a poem ( doesn’t rhyme though)

As I woke up this morning,
I felt a hole inside of me,
This hole so deep, I couldn’t breathe…
But Alas!!! This hole wasn’t a hole, but trench full of Misery...
Oh  self pity and misery, it’s the worst of them all...
Once it gets in it, it rules your world...
You can’t help feeling sorry for all the things you can’t do
And happiness even if only a mile away,you are blinded with your eyes wide right open….
Once it gets into your system, even if u hit rock bottom,it overflows…
it has been my companion for quite some time now, I know all about it, little things I can’t do,makes me makes me hate myself ..
But I have tried hard to free myself, to be awake within my self
It always creeping around some where waiting to hit u, waiting for u to frown,,
But I have heard that what doesn’t kill u makes u stronger…
Well yet again,, my flows going up and down..one minute I am feeling good and then I am down again
But I do believe in happy ending,I hope there is light in the end of the tunnel..
I am thinking of something good, but by now I know misery will strike again ,who am i kidding???
it’s a crook,it has got all of its different evil hooks,,
I believe good always wins in the end ,,well here goes my show of irony of misery and wats all good….
Sometimes the head is high but the spirits dead,sometimes the heart is full but the souls crying all wet…….i ll always be in misery but misery loves company ,,if u u looking for me ill be waiting ,,waiting at the home of the bluessss

little reaons to be happy

little reasons to be happy today.
Well, these are short random notes for myself to feel grateful and happy…….,
1. Even if you are in the deepest shit hole, and you feel like shit. you manage to smile at the smallest of things and reasons.
2. You find out that after months of trying hard to find a government job, when you finally get one all you have to do is be on fb all day.
3. May be, supposedly, just incase and by chance…. lots of people tell you that you are good looking, even if you don’t feel like it but wat the heck.
4. You can drink beer like a horse all night long and feel happy all night long.
5. You have friends that make you laugh till you fart until the wee hours in the morning and the next day you are missing them again.
6. You are getting real good at basketball… if you quit smoking,chewing and drinking you would be unstoppable.
7. You got ur own stunt car.
8. You will be getting your first pay check very soon.
9. You will meet your sister very soon who will bring awesome gifts .
10. You got awesome and understanding siblings.
11. You actually think you are smart and who knows maybe you are
12. You got lots of funny, caring, understanding friends.
13. You can play guitar well enough to feel the music inside yourself.
14. You are getting better at managing your emotions
15. You got caring parents who genuinely care for you and is there in every step to teach you right from wrong.
16. May be ,supposedly,just incase and by chance,,, you feel that quite a few girls actually stare and look interested in you while you are walking by..(is it just me,or does every one feel tht)
17. You think you are going to write a blog on happiness about yourself but you find yourself struggling with the reasons to be happy to smile and end your note for the day……………………

Reel and real

Two friends meet around evening time, sipping hot tea they start talking ...


Reel :
Sonam: wai pema,, how u doing man , kuzzo kuzzo wai wats up?

Pema: nothing much man, even though I know u don't really care, I am gonna say it any ways because I am going to explode if I don't. Anyways I am feeling shitty as always. Am having an anxiety attack at the moment By just talking to u.I can't stop thinking about dying every day but i cant do it because i am too much of a chicken shit to even try it.i still can't get a job after a year of having completed my college.and I got no girl. My shitty car gives me problem every now and then and my goal for the past 1 year has been to find a bigger loser than me but I have failed. My dad doesn't say much but I see it in his eyes saying u no good piece of shit and I fail at everything I try. Other than that alls good.

Sonam:sounds bad, enough about u though.Listen to me as well. I woke up with my mom screaming in my ears.I knew the whole day would be shitty as always. I tried for the100th time to sleep earlybut couldn't so I slept around 5 and had towake up at 7. I can't feel my eyes at this moment.I am losing my believe in god. My mom talks nicely and respects me only when she thinks I am going to get a job .if I don't then she treats me like dirt. And don't worry about the loser thing. I think I am at the bottom. and I am sick and tired of faking this smile.To express
my self I try writing in blogs but i write shitty blogs which no one reads and I am too scared to show my real self.I need some good dope to
stop thinking for a while now


Real life:
Sonam ; wai pema ,, how u doing man, kuzoo kuzoo wats up?

Pema : nothing much I am good.how about u?
Sonam :good bro

They have tea and say bye for the day.

to be funny or not to be

I prefer reading other peoples blog rather than typing the whole thing,editing and all of it.Its too troublesome for me and i think people don't bother to read also.So i dont even try,but yesterday i found an old note written one year ago.It was a note meant to be for my blog but it seems i hadn't put it up doubting and judging myself.When i read it yesterday i found it to be quite funny and thought what the heckkk ,,So it started as..



My mind is filled with a billion ideas.One moment i am thinking of going and settling down in small hut somewhere in Phajoding,living a life as a hermit.Next,I see myself being an actor in a Hollywood movie,becoming a celebrity.That's the incredible power a kid has,I can switch from one ambition to another in a jiffy.Anything is possible for me,thats easy.Only if you consider a 21 year old, a kid!!!.

I am in my early manhood days ,attending college and i hope to be the next PM of BHutan,Well who knows.I am in a period of my life where i can either make it in life or break it.This is the moment when i make a choice for my whole life ahead.This is the time when i decide who i will be,and i will make that decision asssss soon as i watch a few movies first,and then sleep at 5 or 6 in the morning and wake up around evening tomorrow.What about my college??? Who cares ?college is for sissies any ways.

So about my future life , i am totally confused.I don't know who i am or who i want to be.Its as confusing as to what this article is about.To make my self clear about it,i thought it would best to write something on it and reflect upon it..May be get some ideas from other people, do some soul searching,reveal my innermost secret.As some wise man had said"know your enemy,and you win a fight ,know your self and you win yet another fight"????

Keeping my options open and thinking about it , i thought maybe i could become a reporter,but my goal stopped right then and there. I cannot be a reporter.WHy?? because i am shy,extremely shy.If people were to ask you whats the height of shyness?You could point towards me and it will work.Secondly after 3 years of intense hard work and perseverance in college i finally found out,i suck at writing.I write my stories and try to make it too charming or too funny.I add in too much of sense of humor which usually no one gets .So I end up writing a stupid,trying to be funny article.So my future as a reporter ends there.

Or on a second thought may be i could become a writer.Ill write books on loooove ,on comedy,about tragedies in life .I could make magic happen in books.Then when its all done,I could eat my pages on a daily basis with a pinch of salt in it."writing" isnt a proffesion in Bhutan.Its a privilege for the the rich and well to do ones.

Having a dad ,who is wise enough to let you make your decision and choices only makes it harder.If he had told me "son go be a clerk","go Eat shit".I would have obliged gladly,but nooo,he leaves it up to me. How is it possible that a man of such high intelligence does that???
May be like my seniors,who completed college but are still sticking around saying they are looking for a job.When all they do is smoke up and watch tv all day isnt a bad option but then,i could never do that.I am smart enough to know that my old man works his ass off to sent money and i wouldn't wanna waste it.See that's the problem when you are smart and lazy as well.Your mind says one thing and your body does another.Your mind says do push up,live healthy,your body says eat eat eat and then sleep.

I am still as confused as before and i probably will be always ,but i learned a few things about my self.I learned that i am not just lazy but,,extremely extremely good at it.Halfway through this writing,i wanted to stop troubling my brains,too much pressure on my lazy organs.

Another thing i learned is,I cannot take anything seriously, i started from wanting to write a deep thinking article and i ended up with this piece of nothing.
I also found out , i am fickle minded , i start from one thing to another and the whole thing gets pointless like this article.

Who knows,May be one day ill go and tell my dad"Apa i want to be an actor in a hindi serial".The ones which my mom is addicted to and even do a scene where i repeat one word three times with intensity infront of him just to see his reaction.May be ill climb mount everest,may be ill end up being a drunk or may beget crowned as the king,as some wise man said " when you dream ,dream big".

So then I will stop here with my favorite Shakespeare proverb which goes as "If all the worlds a stage and all men actors,i think i would be same as brad Pitt,because i think i got the ex factor".Pointless right,i know.I couldn't help it.